17:9-14 Circumcision mandated
19:1-8 Rape virgins instead of male angels
19:30-38 Righteous man impregnates his 2 daughters while drunk
24:2-3, 9 Place your hand “under the thigh” (sexual organs) of someone swearing sacred oaths
25:1-6 Keeping mistresses is not adultery
32:25 God grabs Jacob’s testicles
34:1-31 Brothers are riled when sister is defiled
35:2 Reuben sleeps with father’s concubine
38:1-10 Onan’s method of birth control not approved
38:12-30 Tamar plays the harlot to seduce father-in-law
39:1-20 Women tries to rape man
47:29 Joseph ordered to place his hand under father’s thigh
20:26 God specifies building of altar to prevent exposure of nakedness
22:19 Death decreed for bestiality
33:17-23 God moons Moses
31:1-18; 28-47 God commands genocide of Midianites, Moses orders that virgins be kept, other captives slain
5:11-31 God’s fidelity test for women only
12:1-8 Bible calls childbirth a sin and bearing females a greater sin than bearing males
15:16-18 Sperm and intercourse are unclean
15:19-33 Menstruation unclean; elaborate rules
15:29-30 Women must make sin offering for menstrual periods
18:22 Homosexuality declared an abomination
18:23 More bestiality
19:1,20-22 Man gets forgiven, slave girl gets flogging
20:10 Adulterers shall be put to death
20:13 Death decreed for homosexuals
20:15-16 Death decreed for bestiality (& beast)
26:29 Curse: Eat your sons and daughters
3:1-7 Kill men, women, & children
21:10-14 God okays captured maidens as trial wives
22:5 Men’s clothing not to be worn by women, & vice versa
22:13-21 A bride not a virgin must die
22:23-26 Virgin raped in city given no pity
23:12-14 Defecation: Carry paddle, dig hole, & cover up
25:5-10 Woman has cause to spit in man’s face
25:11-12 A woman shall have her hand cut off for touching a penis
22:28-29 Paying father to have sex with daughter
23:1 Man “wounded in the stones” can’t enter congregation
23:2 Children born out of wedlock condemned as bastards to 10th generation
23:10-11 Cleanliness called for in nocturnal emissions
24:1 Man can divorce wife through eviction
28:27 Hemorrhoids (“emerods”) punishment for sin
28:30 Lord’s curse: Another man shall lie with groom’s bride first
28:53-57 Curse: Eat your own body & children
3:20-22 Dagger in fat king’s gut gets “dirt” out
4:4-22 Hammer & nail murder by woman
8:30 Gideon had many wives, concubines
11:29-40 Jephtha’s daughter: human sacrifice
19:1-30 Woman raped and ruined by homosexuals
21:6-25 Amidst carnage virgins captured for wives
3:6-9 To “hook” him as husband, Ruth sleeps with Boaz
4:9-10 Boaz buys Ruth
5:9-12 Philistines “smitten with emerods” as punishment for stealing ark
6:1-5 To placate God, make golden emerods
15:3 God orders Saul to kill suckling babes
18:23-27 200 foreskins gain David a king’s daughter
25:22,34 Any that pisseth against the wall
3:7 More concubine hanky-panky
11:1-27 Uriah sent to lose his life so David can get his wife
12:7-12 Obscene performance to be viewed by all Israel
5:13 David had many wives, concubines
Chapter 13 Amnon rapes his sister
16:20-23 Absalom copulates with father’s concubines on rooftop
20:3 David imprisons concubines for above
1:1-4 Virgin as therapy for sick old man unsuccessful
11:1-10 Wise Solomon has wives and concubines galore
14:10 Him that pisseth against the wall
16:11 One that pisseth against a wall
21:21 Him that pisseth against the wall
6:24-33 “So we boiled my son, and did eat him”
9:8 Subject not mentioned in sermons
23:7 Male houses of prostitution destroyed
1:32-33 Abraham’s concubines have children
11:21 King Rehoboam had 18 wives & 60 concubines
Chapters 1-2 Sexual contest to decide new queen
SONG OF SOLOMON (the whole thing!)
3:16 “…and the Lord will discover their secret parts”
9:20 Every man shall eat the flesh of his own arm
14:21-22 Slaughter children for fathers’ iniquity
16:11 Biblical boast: “My bowels shall sound like an harp”
36:12 Eating dung and drinking piss
16:4 Grievous, obscene deaths
2:19 Something to lament
4:10 Women boil children for food
4:12-15 God says: Eat bread defiled with dung
5:8-10 What’s for dinner?
8:2 Lord’s loins make guest appearance
16:15 Fornications pour out
16:36-37 Their “filthiness poured out…”
23:1-40 Sex organs and ejaculate of harlots’ lovers compared to asses & horses
29:7-8 God performs bloody castration via a sword
1:2-11 God tells Hosea to take whore to wife
2:1-15 Complications ensue (lewdly described)
3:4-6 Lord: “I will discover thy skirts upon thy face”
2:1-4 An angry god will spread feces on your faces
5:27-30 A man may lust but it’s not considered just
5:31-32 Man can divorce wife for fornication only
19:3-9 Man who divorces and remarries is adulterer
19:12 Castrate yourself for Jesus
22:24 Law of Onan (you have to marry your dead brother’s wife)
2:21 Eight day old Jesus is circumcised
5:38 Eunuch baptized
15:24 Circumcision is not commandment
16:3 Paul circumcises adult
1:26-32 Gay men and lesbians “worthy of death”
6:18-20 Abstain from sex
7:1-40 To be more holy, refrain from sex wholly
7:18-19 If you’re not circumcised, stay that way
5:1-4 Paul speaks against circumcision
17:1-6 A whore is stripped, eaten and burned

                                                                                                 OF GOD AND SIN

2 KINGS 6:29 says: “So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.”Yup, that’s cannibalsim. Or, worse-than-cannibalism if you’re considering the fact that he ate his own kid.

Leviticus 25:44 says: “Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.”Yes, you read that right. It’s A-OK to own slaves —

According to Deuteronomy 13:12-15, if you find that the people in the city you’re visiting worship another god, you have to kill them all. And by “all”, the bible means everyone in the city. It seems a little severe but it’ll certainly make your travel blog more interesting.

Unfortunately for fashionistas, this particular trend comes with a first class ticket to hell. Leviticus 10:6 says: “Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people.” Question: is it the act of ripping your pants that sends you to hell? Because we bought these jeans pre-distressed. So we’re good, right?

Leviticus 21 has a lot to say about who is and who isn’t allowed to be a priest. We all know that anyone who’s had sex can’t be a Catholic priest. But did you also know that the bible bans anyone with a deformity? You know who else is shut out? Anyone who has a flat nose.

flat nose

Leviticus 20:10 says: “If a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die.”

Leviticus 20:9 says: “Anyone who dishonors father or mother must be put to death. Such a person is guilty of a capital offense.”

Leviticus 24:16 says: “Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. The whole community must stone him, whether alien or native. If he utters the name, he must be put to death.”We knew that saying the Lord’s name in vain was a no-no. We didn’t know that you’re not supposed to say it at all.

Ezekiel 16:17 says: “You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.”Don’t bother reading it twice. It says exactly what you think it says. He gave her some jewelry and she made a golden…implement with it. And then she used it in her job as a prostitute. Gross.

Deuteronomy 28:53 says: “Then because of the dire straits to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.”When you’re under seige, you can’t exactly go out for pizza. So what do you do about food? According to the Bible, you eat your children. Why does the bible have so many stories that involve eating kids?!

Genesis 19:8: “Look, I have two daughters, virgins both of them. Let me bring them out to you and you could do what you like with them. But do nothing to these men because they have come under the shelter of my roof.”The rules are pretty simple. If someone comes to your house and insists on assaulting someone, you should give him your virgin daughters. Because handing over your guests for sexual assault is just bad manners.

Leviticus 19:19 says: “‘Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.” We’d like to give you a moment or two to check your labels. 90% cotton/10% rayon? Congratulations, you’re a sinner. We knew that bad fashion was a crime — just not against God.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21 states: “But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.”If your husband isn’t your first, you’re in for trouble. Hard, stony trouble to be exact. That’s a high price to pay for a little premarital fun.

Leviticus 10-11 states: “And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you.”What did shellfish ever do to anyone? It’s innocent. And delicious — especially when covered with butter…This is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35 states: “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.”If you’re a woman and you find yourself in a church, it’s time to be quiet. Have questions about the sermon? Too bad. But the Bible does say that you’re allowed to ask your husband when you get home. That is, after you’ve made dinner and put the kids to bed.

Exodus 31:14-15 states: “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people.”That means no working on Sunday — ever. Break this rule and you can be put to death. E-mail this to your boss the next time they try to lure you into weekend work. We think this applies to chores around the house too.

Mark 10:11-12 states: “Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”According to the Bible, there are no do-overs in marriage. If you get married again, you’re committing adultery. That’s certainly a broader definition than we’re used to. We know a few celebrities who are in a lot of trouble…

“When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets/Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.” -Deuteronomy 25:11-12.Well that’s…bizarre. According to this, wives aren’t allowed to help their husbands in a fight by squeezing the other guys’ “secrets”. If she does, he’s got to cut your hand off. That seems a little bit extreme. But squeezing a man’s “secrets” is bad form so…

Leviticus 19:16 states: “Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the LORD.”This just put a lot of us — and all of our favorite magazines — on the Bible’s “naughty” list. We’re not sure what “standing against the blood of thy neighbor means”. But we’re pretty sure we’re guilty of that too.

Leviticus 19:31 reads: “Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.”
Thinking about having your palm read? The Bible doesn’t think that you should. Looks like wizards made the list too. That’s a lot of Hogwarts acceptance letters that are going to have to go right back.

Deuteronomy 23:1 states: “No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the Assembly of God.”That seems oddly specific. We had no idea that the Bible was quite so concerned about our junk. But this is pretty clear. If you’ve been the unfortunate victim of a groin accident, there’s more bad news. You’re not going to get into heaven. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Leviticus 19:27 states: “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”Who knew that the Bible was so into long hair and beards? Hippies, hipsters and beard enthusiasts are going to get a front row in heaven! That’s not how we pictured it at all…

Leviticus 19:28 states: “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”It says his name at the end, so you know he’s serious. Do religious tattoos get a pass? Or are they extra blasphemous because the Bible already said not to do it?

Leviticus 11:7-8 reads: “And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.”
“Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.”If we’re going strictly by the Bible, all of the internet is in serious trouble. But if you’ve gotta go anyway, getting smited while eating a pound of bacon isn’t a bad way

If a man still prophesies, parents, father and mother, shall say to him, “You shall not live, because you have spoken a lie in the name of the Lord.” When he prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall thrust him through.   (Zechariah 13:3 NAB)

Job 41:1-34 The revelation of a fire breathing dragon :
“Can you draw out Leviathan with a fishhook?  Or press down his tongue with a cord?  “Can you put a rope in his nose Or pierce his jaw with a hook?  “Will he make many supplications to you, Or will he speak to you soft words?  “Will he make a covenant with you?  Will you take him for a servant forever?  “Will you play with him as with a bird, Or will you bind him for your maidens?  “Will the traders bargain over him?  Will they divide him among the merchants?  “Can you fill his skin with harpoons, Or his head with fishing spears?  “Lay your hand on him; Remember the battle; you will not do it again!  “Behold, your expectation is false; Will you be laid low even at the sight of him?  “No one is so fierce that he dares to arouse him; Who then is he that can stand before Me?  “Who has given to Me that I should repay {him?} {Whatever} is under the whole heaven is Mine.


    “I will not keep silence concerning his limbs, Or his mighty strength, or his orderly frame.  “Who can strip off his outer armor?  Who can come within his double mail?  “Who can open the doors of his face?  Around his teeth there is terror.  “{His} strong scales are {his} pride, Shut up {as with} a tight seal.  “One is so near to another That no air can come between them.  “They are joined one to another; They clasp each other and cannot be separated.  “His sneezes flash forth light, And his eyes are like the eyelids of the morning.  “Out of his mouth go burning torches; Sparks of fire leap forth.  “Out of his nostrils smoke goes forth As {from} a boiling pot and {burning} rushes.  “His breath kindles coals, And a flame goes forth from his mouth.  “In his neck lodges strength, And dismay leaps before him.  “The folds of his flesh are joined together, Firm on him and immovable.  “His heart is as hard as a stone, Even as hard as a lower millstone.


 “When he raises himself up, the mighty fear; Because of the crashing they are bewildered.  “The sword that reaches him cannot avail, Nor the spear, the dart or the javelin.  “He regards iron as straw, Bronze as rotten wood.  “The arrow cannot make him flee; Slingstones are turned into stubble for him.  “Clubs are regarded as stubble; He laughs at the rattling of the javelin.  “His underparts are {like} sharp potsherds; He spreads out {like} a threshing sledge on the mire.  “He makes the depths boil like a pot; He makes the sea like a jar of ointment.  “Behind him he makes a wake to shine; One would think the deep to be gray-haired.  “Nothing on earth is like him, One made without fear.  “He looks on everything that is high; He is king over all the sons of pride.”


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